Posted on April 8, 2020April 8, 2020 by Krista
Someone I love left this life today. And even if he was my “EX” husband, he was still the only one I ever thought I wanted for this whole crazy ride – ya know, all the way through to the end-the way it’s supposed to be when you get married. Divorce is a rotten label, it’s a box you check that always reminds you that’s what you lost. And right now, it feels like losing him all over again. The hardest thing I ever did. Up until now, there was always some peace in knowing that even if he wasn’t a part of my day to day life- he lived- in a quiet place, out in the woods, and thought of me now and again, as I did him. That was enough. That’s enough for a lot of us, isn’t it- to assume others are doing fine that you don’t keep in touch with as often as you should. Well, I’ll speak for me- wrong again. You can never assume people don’t need to hear your voice. There are never too many ways to say “you matter”.
James and I met at an Aquanett show. He thought I was a cute groupie- and I was! We dated through rock shows, campground family getaways and trips to Lake George. He proposed to me on the floor of our living room a few days before the anniversary of our first date because he just couldn’t sit on that ring for another day. I was so happy I forgot to say yes. We got married on a rainy day in June, moved a few times before settling into our yellow house with a pool, with an adopted golden- living what was my very own American Dream. We had so many sweet perfect moments. He would sing Bon Jovi in this high pitched voice that made me die laughing. He would dance around the kitchen with me while cooking something in a frying pan. He would go into my crafty stash and make me a TERRIBLE handmade card for valentine’s day. The year he forgot, I cried and drove home to a giant piece of plywood at the end of the driveway with “I’m so sorry, I love my Krista Babe- your poor hubby” written across it in white spray paint. Sounds perfect right? Well then, try to digest with me why life had to turn it all opposite down like the happy ending we both deserved was all a big joke.
I won’t glorify the way our marriage ended. It wasn’t pretty- but at least there never was hate. I will never forget how heavy it weighed on me to watch him in physical and mental aguish. Becoming a man so far from my husband that he was nearly unrecognizable. For a woman who has made a career out of helping people, he was the one person I couldn’t help and every little battle we lost was like tearing a piece of that perfect life off my heart- like ripping off a band-aid. It broke us both and I had to forgive myself for everything I didn’t do right. I had to forgive myself for needing to take care of me. It took years to accept what had happened, while still suffering ongoing consequences. But we eventually got to a place where we could speak on good terms, and that’s because there was always love. You can’t ever lose the bond you gain from fighting so hard together- even if you lose the war in the end. We had almost 10 years of true love, 10 years more than many people ever get. And I hope that bond carries us through in someway, beyond our life on earth. In the end, he’s responsible for me realizing how strong I could be, for forcing me to have to figure who I was – not just as someone’s wife. He taught me how fun it could be to be a little redneck… a little rough around the edges. He showed me what it felt like to be so adored for who I really was and gave me someone to adore. He taught me how precious a healthy life can be, long before today.
I knew this day would come someday. A phone call like I got today. I feel like there were many times I tried to prepare myself for it. But you’re never ready. And I didn’t want to hear it today. Not when there is so much death around me with this virus, that I’m becoming numb. I am so deeply saddened by how lonely his life had become- and how death may have brought him more peace than living did, at the age of 43. I am so grateful for our phone call last week and the way he suddenly seemed to want to hear all about my life and make amends for anything left on his chest that he needed to tell me. I wish I had said more. I wish I had said once again, that all was forgiven, and all I wanted for him was some happiness in his life. I wish I could feel like he died knowing how much I loved and missed the amazing husband he was when we had it all. I will say it someday, when we meet again.
Rest in Peace James, go hug our Delilah- I will remember you well.
Published by Krista
On the edge of 40, I’ve been putting words down on notebook paper hoping together they make sense- for 30 years. By day, I direct social workers and work in healthcare. By night, I am a dog mama, a sister, a daughter, a friend and a woman just trying to be better than I was yesterday. I enjoy DIY projects, painting, singing, trying new recipes, gourmet cupcakes and wine!View all posts by Krista
